Conflict

Recently I had a discussion with a co-worker regarding some tough decisions she was facing and how she would communicate to over 100 parents that they would no longer be receiving subsidy due to budget cuts, etc. She struggled with the idea of talking with an irate parent who demanded to see her based on the letter she received in the mail notifying her of termination. I expressed to her the importance of learning the dance of communication, learning when to speak, and when to listen. My co-worker and I then began to get in a heated discussion about how she would handle the situation. She felt like this particular parent had been on subsidy “long enough” and she didn’t need it any longer, and she felt that she was telling untruths regarding her income and she should have been terminated some time ago. I expressed to her that it was NOT our responsibility to judge when families are in need and if they really need assistance. If they are not telling the truth it will eventually catch up with them. So I kindly suggested that she try her best to keep her personal feelings out of the equation and try her best stick to the script of telling her, the reason for the termination was due to federal funding that would be ending soon, and it was out of our hands to issue monies for day care vouchers at this time. In this particular situation there is no compromise between the parent and case worker, however she and I resolved to ensure that the parents feelings and needs should come first and to find alternative ways to help her pay for day care. Once she met with the mom she later discovered that her husband had abandoned their family leaving her with no housing, or financial means to take care of their family which left ALL of the responsibilities on her. My co-worker expressed that she was so thankful that she did not fuss her out, or divulge her assumptions, and she also stated that she told the parent in the future to refrain from using profanity with her. This situation really embraces the skills sets of the Non-Violent Communication Skill set mentioned:

1. Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;

2. Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;

3. Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and

4. Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).